Cyclamen; represent departure and sorrowful resignation. A goodbye.

As I grow up, and now me being 20-year-old, unofficially. I realize that I bid goodbye more than I say hello to things. Or maybe, I failed to acknowledge the equality of both in the past few years. I realize that when I was young, I said hello to many people, as well as things. Learned new stuff, met new people, discovered new feelings and less of goodbyes. However, now I realize that I say goodbye more often than hello. Might be to my aunt, cousin or even my cat.

Sometimes I wonder, which one is worst? Was it saying goodbye to someone who you have loved dearly at such a young age or when you are old enough to understand the depth of losing someone you love? It has come to my attention that when we develop a relationship with someone, time will be the benchmark for the kind of relationship you have with them. However, it’s different for a family member. After all, blood is thicker than water.  I sometimes believe that it’s much harder when you have to say goodbye forever to someone you have known your entire life. This is because you have spent your entire life creating memories with them. Its as if every corner of the room has a little touch of memories by them that you can’t help but reminisce it every time you pass by it. It’s even harder when you have to answer questions about that person gazillion times. People tend to ask once in passing curiosity but for someone who has to answer every time….it hurts every time. But if you were still young, perhaps the memory is still vivid and it won’t hurt as much as having to hear things about that person.

Being different than others hurts. But the look on other people’s face hurts just as much. That’s one thing I’ve learned which is you can never control people’s expression when you tell them the story.  It tells so much about them. At that moment they are at their most vulnerable.

Of all the goodbyes I’ve bid for the past few months, this is the worst of all. And it’s even worse that I couldn’t make it home to look at her face one last time.

To Anne, you may have lost your mom but don’t forget we’re all here for you no matter what. You have so many moms out here looking out for you. You have mama, ibu, mak, emak, tok mak. Honey,  I wish you will grow up as a beautiful, strong and smart lady. I know you will. Stay strong! You are strong enough to face this because since you were born, you always got that strength in you. For tonight, let’s wipe our tears and recite al-Fatihah to kak winda. May she be placed among the righteous in the highest place in paradise. May this remind us that we are all living in this momentary life, and time is definitely not on our side.


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